Life is hard and overwhelming. That never changes, but it does wax and wane. I've always thought that the hard times came in waves, rising, rising, rising, until your head isn't bobbing up anymore, and then gently falling back while you gasp and aren't really able to appreciate the tide falling again.
I'm 7 weeks into
this last first-semester of school. I'm
grasping at straws every day. Wake up Monday morning and the prepared student
straw is waiting by the coffeemaker, then you wake up and grab the work
experience straw, wake up the next day and throw your hand around the bedside
table to find the good-mom straw, next forget to pick up the friend straw
that's sitting by your 4 bags that need to be carried to the car, and then when
you sit down on the edge at the end of those days remember the married straw
that you can't even seem to find anymore.
Commence laying down
and staring at the bassinet, suddenly unable to sleep after a day (days) of
exhaustion because of every baby gurgle and knowing that she's going to stir
any minute-- and the only thing worse than being this tired is the thought of
waking up right after you finally fall asleep.
Spend the spare
quiet moments you do get wondering what the point of pursuing any of it is,
because you're clearly half-assing everything and not doing anything
particularly well. The baby cries, the class starts, you pull in the driveway,
and you quit wondering because you have to get back to work.
The constant hamster
wheel is what keeps you from quitting. You don't have the time to quit. You don't have the capacity, energy, or spare
time to deal with quitting any of it.
You keep catching
glimpses of yourself reflected in a rearview mirror, the front screen door, or
the spoon you stir your coffee with, and you laugh and repeat your mantra
again. It's not inspiring or empowering.
Fake it until you
make it.
