Fake it til you make it: 8 weeks postpartum

Life is hard and overwhelming. That never changes, but it does wax and wane.  I've always thought that the hard times came in waves, rising, rising, rising, until your head isn't bobbing up anymore, and then gently falling back while you gasp and aren't really able to appreciate the tide falling again.

I'm 7 weeks into this last first-semester of school.  I'm grasping at straws every day. Wake up Monday morning and the prepared student straw is waiting by the coffeemaker, then you wake up and grab the work experience straw, wake up the next day and throw your hand around the bedside table to find the good-mom straw, next forget to pick up the friend straw that's sitting by your 4 bags that need to be carried to the car, and then when you sit down on the edge at the end of those days remember the married straw that you can't even seem to find anymore. 

Commence laying down and staring at the bassinet, suddenly unable to sleep after a day (days) of exhaustion because of every baby gurgle and knowing that she's going to stir any minute-- and the only thing worse than being this tired is the thought of waking up right after you finally fall asleep.

Spend the spare quiet moments you do get wondering what the point of pursuing any of it is, because you're clearly half-assing everything and not doing anything particularly well. The baby cries, the class starts, you pull in the driveway, and you quit wondering because you have to get back to work.

The constant hamster wheel is what keeps you from quitting. You don't have the time to quit.  You don't have the capacity, energy, or spare time to deal with quitting any of it. 

You keep catching glimpses of yourself reflected in a rearview mirror, the front screen door, or the spoon you stir your coffee with, and you laugh and repeat your mantra again.  It's not inspiring or empowering. 

Fake it until you make it.

39 Weeks: Ask me one more time where the baby is

The Never-Ending Story

At this point in the blog's timeline it is clear that I am not a starry-eyed, glowing pregnant woman.  Ironically enough I enjoyed Weeks 28-35 more than any other period of pregnancy, and that seems to be when everyone is miserable and the third trimester aches start sinking in.

That being said, I've reached Week 39 (2 weeks past the time I predicted she would make an entrance), and I am positively ready to be done.

Disclaimer (because the internet is unapologetic and thirsty to criticize anyone/everyone/everything):

My daughter is healthy and has been measuring on time (if not a little big) throughout this pregnancy. I am immensely thankful for it, and while I relish the world others live in where "baby will be there when she's ready",  it's just one more way of shaming any mother for doing anything aside from cheering and adoring their time as a vessel.

My husband and I are more excited for this baby than anything we've ever experienced.  However, part of that for us is knowing that, God willing, we get to experience life from here on out with our little girl. We are thrilled for all of those life phases, but she has to be here first.

Unpopular Reality

Here's the truth of the situation and why hearing a chorus of "she'll come when she's ready" is particularly frustrating.  Whether I like it or not, and whether anyone else cares to admit that it's something to consider in wanting her here: we both return to school 2 weeks after my due date.

2 weeks. As a first time mother I listen to people cluck at me and rattle off that there's a good chance I'll go past due. I get it, I understand statistics, I know.

I usually just nod, smile, and move on. God forbid you engage with those people and even mention the "i" word... induction, the word is induction.

However, these things don't make the reality of our situation any better, and it doesn't make the short amount of time I'll have before starting my last year of law school any less grating.

Despite the annoyance of these well-meaning people and their insistence that my baby arriving late is merely fateful and I should happily accept it as I watch everyone and their mother undergoing repeat cesareans, inductions, and early births, I am left much more frustrated by the constant questions about whether baby is here yet.

The Inquisition

If my mother, mother in law, father, random peripheral-asshole acquaintances, or parents neighbors make another comment or ask another question about the state of the child currently lodged in my pelvis I told my husband I will be driven to the nuclear option of just not telling any of them until after the baby is born.

I don't mean it, and while I know some people are in circumstances where they can do that and not start World War III--I definitely am not. 

That doesn't make it any less tempting or consoling to my tired, overwhelmed, anxious mind. 

Do NOT ask me about my cervix

I realized upon the first weekly checkup to see if I progressed that as soon as you think you're being nice and candid and share with your mother or mother in law that you're indeed dilated, it opens the floodgates to daily inquisitorial squads of "have you lost your plug yet?", "any cramps?", and my favorite "make sure to listen for the words effacement and station."

Because clearly I owe medical reports on the state of my body to others.  Medical reports on numerical values and symptoms that truly have nothing but correlations to a possibility of labor starting soon with no actual predictive value.  So we've reverted to a minimal information standard-- I go to appointments and they receive vague information and confirmation that there is indeed a baby and it will indeed be born sometime in the next month. 

Just Had Lunch... and oh yeah, the baby was born

What is most trying about the questioning and hovering is the implied notions that a) I am too stupid and young to research/read/figure out what happens during this time so I clearly need their experience to even know the symptoms of labor so that my baby isn't born in the laundry room, and b) that we have not time and again told them that they'll be notified as soon as it's go time.*

* because of how insane our mothers have been I don't intend on telling them we're on the way to L&D until after we're there and the nurses have confirmed that we won't be leaving without a baby. If we did, they would beat us to the hospital. 

 

Nonetheless, our parents will know when this baby is coming. Whether I originally wanted it or not, I'll even let them sit in the waiting room. 

The constant pestering, no matter how cute they might think they're coming off (posting "where's my baby at" on my Facebook timeline//telling me any day would be great except for the day my husband's grandmother died), is infuriating.

We love you. We appreciate you..... but 

for a first time mom looking at minimal time off after birth who honestly wants nothing more than for this baby to arrive, I am doing my damnedest to get this kid out. I am anxiously awaiting an appointment to let the doctor sweep my membranes.  I'm nervous over having to ask for an induction if I glide past my due date. 

I am not withholding their child of my own selfish will, and while they continue to fill me with worry that after she's born they'll feel possessive I am still just as anxious to meet her as they are. 

It seems like the expectant mothers of the world shouldn't have to vocalize this-- that it should be known and respected, BUT:

we are carrying our babies, not yours.

Maternity Photos? I'll Pass

No, I'm not taking maternity pictures

My husband and I established this fact around week 6 of this pregnancy: no maternity photos would be taken.

My husband is my champion. I could probably tell him I wanted to name the baby Lorax, and he'd agree and defend little Lorax and I til the end.

So, when we were talking to a family member last week they brought up a cute idea for the maternity photos (which they assumed would be taken-- laugh out loud here as I remind everyone that we're both graduate students and count our pennies precariously, and this person definitely hadn't offered to pay for any such hypothetical pictures).

Anyway, husband told them without missing a beat that we weren't going to take maternity pictures because we felt  they weren't very us.

Said relative's jaw dropped and they uttered a "really?" with baited breath. I smiled and nodded, refraining from giving them much more explanation because I'm really trying to work on feeling like I owe people an answer when I don't. 

Also, don't get me wrong.  I love to coo at cute pictures my friends post on social media from just about any type of photo shoot.  I love the sentimentality of it, and the artistry that goes into photography.  However, I do feel like it's valid to talk about why I'm not a fan of maternity pictures for myself and why it can be a little grating to the small camp that feels similarly.

My pregnancy hasn't been glamorous

Say what you want about this, but I can acknowledge the miraculous nature of what my body is doing without feeling empowered aesthetically.  There are times when I glance in the mirror and think "wow, how cool that my body is holding another body," but I'm tired of being told and having it implied that I should feel wrong for not feeling beautiful during this stage of life. 

Miraculous, but beautiful? My body has literally been starved down from throwing up multiple times a day for months, and then it added on that and another 15 lbs in a short time after. My skin has had some of the worst breakouts since before I took medicine for acne in high school. Oh, and I've been getting a new stretch mark every day since Week 25.

My ribs hurt. My neck hurts. I waddle. I'm not tall, and the baby is doing nothing but crowding my stomach acid into my throat so that I have to sleep on a freaking pillow wedge just to sleep.

Y'all, I don't feel pretty, and honestly I have no desire to remember these little incidental details.  I am blessed and thankful to be carrying a healthy baby so far, but hyperemesis and everything that has followed are not things I am writing off as normal or minor drawbacks. 

This really sucks some days, and I have no desire to remember this period of carrying her when she is truly the prize at the end.

Plus, if we ever want to make another addition to our little pack it'll take an act of faith, and the fewer reminders of this the better haha.

The pictures have nothing to do with my baby

Again, I'd rather go and get more elective ultrasounds of her than have pictures taken of my husband and I.  I'm sure there will be some cute pictures staged at the baby shower, but the thought of frolicking through the wilderness or lounging across a chair half-naked and wrapped in a sheet of well placed linen makes me uncomfortable. 

Like, you can't see the baby. All that is there is my stretched, sad, half-in half-out belly button. Again, see above, I'm not particularly fond of this body, and I don't know why I would have pictures taken celebrating a kid that you can't see yet.

That being said, I will be the most obsessive mom-photographer and there will be no stopping me from posing and dressing her in adorable get ups.

Hospital Bag Packing List for Planners and Procrastinators

As anyone reading this blog can collect, I am a planner. I like having control, and I use that as a means of managing my anxious tendencies.  Knowing details and preparing for different situations always helps me focus on the bigger picture when it comes to handling stressful situations.

The "hospital bag" question is all the rage on forums, in pregnancy groups, across blogs.  We definitely aren't going to reinvent the wheel here, but rather I hope to give some hope to others who are grappling with the need to prepare, but also realize that a lot of things will probably be superfluous or impractical to pack ahead of time.

2 Phase Approach

So, I offer you the solution I've settled on:

Break your "hospital bag" prep into two phases or stages. Phase 1: Bug-Out Bag. Phase 2: Full-term bag.

This approach works best for me, but that is given that I have had a very low-risk pregnancy (following my fight with hyperemesis gravidarum). My doctor, insofar as doctor's predict, doesn't foresee pre-term labor happening in my case.  Baby has measured on track from the beginning, my tests and screens have all been normal, and I've maintained a healthy diet and exercise routine following getting my sickness under control.  Of course these things can all change instantly, but given these circumstances, I am comfortable with prepping in the way I'm going to describe!

Phase 1: "Bug Out" Bag

I really wanted to pack a glorious bag to share with everyone at the start of this achey, breaky third trimester. I did, but even inside my deepest over-planning fantasy it struck me that more than likely I had another 2 or 3 months left in this pregnancy. 

So, after some frustration with myself, I decided that instead I would prep a bag in case something did happen unexpectedly-- i.e. in case I ended up in a pre-term labor situation. 

In my case, it's my "bug out" bag, because there is no way predictable but there are definitely some essentials that would be necessary. In my mind, this situation would occur prior to 36 weeks, and in those cases the baby is almost always kept in NICU for a longer period than the mother is admitted to the hospital.  In my mind, that means that there's going to be way more driving back and forth between the hospital for my husband and I, so the need for many things we'd otherwise want is irrelevant.

My essentials in this bag are:

• a phone charger
• deodorant
• insurance cards
• pair of cozy socks
• pajamas (old pair for post labor)
• change of clothes
• Bible
• toothbrush and toothpaste

Phase 2: Full-Term Bag

This is the bag I plan on packing around 36-37 weeks.  It'll have some of the things that I seek more out of comfort than anything as well as things for my husband and baby.

Clothing

• 2 sets of maternity pajamas to wear after giving birth
• nursing bras
• nice-ish robe to wear over pajamas when we have visitors
• fuzzy, non-skid socks (these are in my shopping cart)
• super cozy (big) underwear
• loose dress (to wear home) 
• maternity leggings to go under dress 

Baby Items

• baby girl's homecoming outfit
• cute receiving blanket to take pictures of her during hospital stay
• cute hat
• breast pump! I'm going to take advantage of the lactation consultant my hospital provides and get help with it

Misc. Items

• Bose Bluetooth Speaker: to play music through while laboring
• multi-USB plug in: for phone chargers and other electronics
• Camera: (I have a Canon that I love to use for actual memorable moments); this may or may not get used very much, but if I'm feeling well enough I hope to get some decent photos of her during our stay
• Laptop: either for my husband or myself; check ahead to see if your hospital has internet! We have a birth announcement template that we plan on filling in and using for social media

Beauty/Toiletries

• Coconut oil has been my go to during the pregnancy because a) I've been stretch-marking like wild,  b) coconut oil doesn't have a smell like most other lotions and moisturizers, and c) I hate the feeling of dry skin and lips! I'm sure that after that first shower post-labor I will want to slather it on.  Usually I just use a giant container we got on sale at Kroger, but I'm running out of that and we have a backup container of this from amazon!
• Ponds cold cream cleanser and moisturizer: my go-to's for washing and moisturizing my face
• Basic makeup: foundation, powder, blush, mascara; I know people are of different camps about whether or not this matters/should matter, but I know I will feel so much more confident and comfortable if the inevitable pictures don't feature me with a blotchy face. Particularly, I know my sensitive skin and I'll probably be 7 shades of red and uneven following labor 
• Deodorant, Toothbrush kit, Shampoo, and Conditioner: I'm not too picky about these things, and will probably switch over the travel sizes from the bug-out bag when I get close to time. 
• Also, I picked up a super cheap toothbrush kit like this from Was-Mart for around $.97!!! 

Things I Catch Myself Thinking: 2nd Trimester Edition

I thought I'd bring in a little update on my current thought process for everyone while I prepare more posts on what I've been up to (gardening, yard work, baby prep, and school).

The second trimester has brought way more good days with it than the first one did, so I am thankful. However, these are the common thoughts of my days:

Can I take another bath today?

Self-explanatory.

All I want when I am tired and cranky is to hop in a bubble bath with a little snack and a cold drink. Snack and drink since becoming pregnant are typically grapes and a Diet Dr. Pepper, but it's still heavenly. 

Recently on days when I don't have all of my classes (remember me talking about how smart I was for scheduling all of my classes so that I had constant 4 day weekends? Go ahead, say "we told you so"), I've been succumbing to a bath by 12 or 1 pm, and then desperately wanting to take another as 7 or 8 rolls around.  I don't want to waste more water than I already am, but geez is it tempting.

Where is the energy burst?

Articles talk about the heavenly 2nd trimester. The trimester where you go back to not really feeling pregnant.  I call BS, like, major BS. 

A) my morning sickness is never going to go away (melodramatic perhaps, but we're at week 20 and going strong), and B) I'm as tired if not more exhausted than I was during the first trimester outside of the whole puking all the time thing.  

I don't know if it's just the hormone fluctuations and these are just the awesome headaches that people warn you about OR if it is compounded by the Zofran I take so that I can eat and not look like a starved, pregnant zombie, but these headaches send me running for a pillow.

Why won't you move?!

This one really preyed on my impatience. It wasn't until Week 19 that I felt anything for sure, and then it was just what I described as a little bubble popping.

A lot of people on my Facebook pregnancy group seemed to be feeling strong consistent movement way before then, and it drove me crazy that I wasn't feeling anything.

Why won't you STOP moving!!

I said the movement started at 19 weeks, well it did and it never stopped.  Ever since she started making herself known each day brings stronger little kicks and nudges.  This week my husband was finally able to feel one of the kicks, and it was amazing! 

That being said, I'm so happy she's active and happy.  Sometimes she catches me off guard while I'm in class and I can't help jumping just a little bit. I imagine as the third trimester gets here and progresses this may get a little annoying, haha. 

My Favorite Free Baby Things!

Confession: I love a good deal. I love promotional items, I love sales, and I absolutely adore free things.

A few months ago we walked into the newly opened War-Mart and greeters were handing out free bottles of Vitamin C gummies.  It totally made my day despite the fact that I was extremely morning sick and hadn't been able to stomach anything but saltines in at least 3 days.

That's how much I love getting free things, and it is what brings me to my favorite aspect of baby prepping so far......

Samples and boxes of free baby items. 

There are lots of sites and click bait out there advertising free products and give aways.  A ton of them are fake, but I am here to tell you the easy to get and proven offers! I even took pictures of what I received! 

My Slice of Paradise: Starting a Garden

Our first year of marriage was tumultuous.

Not because of personal conflicts or dealing with the mythical honeymoon phase, but because in the span of that year we moved 4 times (5 if you count both of us moving into the studio apartment we started in).

We set up roots in a tiny studio apartment the size of our bedrooms. 3.5 months later we packed everything up and journeyed off for my husband's first round of training as an officer. 5 months after that we found ourselves in my mom's house (she is a saint) as a sort of layover until we received law school offers and made our choice.

Finally, as a matter of fateful coincidence, we were able to move into my in-law's rental home. They are great landlords, and we're so thankful for the deal we get on our little home. We're lucky that we have a short drive to school, a huge backyard for the pups, and plenty of room-- especially with our new addition on the way.

Parting Ways with Your Childhood Best Friend & All the Ways It Sucks

I'll apologize slightly for the tone of this if you're looking for some cheer, but the world doesn't seem to be dishing much of that out currently.  You know what they say, when it rains it pours.  I've been going through a pretty big underlying shift over the last few weeks regarding this topic, and I realized a lot of people deal with it.  I wanted to get some of the emotional baggage off my chest when it comes to very consciously cutting the string to your childhood best friend.

Cheap Makeup Favorites for Girls on Budgets!

I love expensive makeup and beauty products in general.  I am also student loan poor.

As a result, I don't spend a ton of money on cosmetics. We have a budget we follow pretty strictly, and dog food, people food, and bills all rank over a new $50 foundation. It's a shame, I know.  However, through the years of being a poor college and now law student, I've definitely acquired a collection of my favorite fool-proof, cheap makeup choices.  Most of these can be found at your local superstore or pharmacy.

Remember, everything doesn't work the same for everyone! I have trouble with color matching because I am really pale and don't have a noticeable warm or cool undertone. What works well for me may not be your cup of tea!

Surviving the First Trimester

I keep singing the song "Looks Like We Made It" to myself. Why? Because we made it to the Second Trimester!!!

First thing on the agenda? W and I took a day off of classes because 1) this week has kicked our butts 2) I was sick all day yesterday (finally filled that Zofran prescription) and 3) sometimes you just have to take a second to breathe.

There are lots of things up in the air for us right now-- we've made some big decisions and are holding our breath to see what the outcomes are, I'll fill you in as soon as we know anything! So, we took an afternoon to see a matinee and work on our long to-do lists.

In celebration of the second trimester and feeling like a new woman (thanks, Zofran!) I put together this celebratory must-have list for those of you hopping through  surviving the first trimester!

Balancing Classes & Life: Scheduling Magic

Howdy, everyone! It's been a stressful start to the school year, between professors forgetting to send out assignments and the ever-present sickness I'm dealing with.  Then again, when is a semester not stressful? Point taken.

My favorite means of controlling how I'm going to deal with classes is through scheduling. Not just any scheduling, but smart scheduling. The first year of law school you don't get a choice in what classes you take, or when you take them.  The second year is vastly better.  Although you have requirements, you can wiggle things around to fit your own needs.

5 Pregnancy Don'ts That Saved My Sanity

Every Pregnancy is obviously  super unique to every woman.  I know some ladies that started off healthy and carried through an entire pregnancy without touching anything they wouldn't have otherwise.  I know others who spent 5-7 days in the gym a week pre-pregnancy who either because of how they felt or on Dr's orders spent most of their pregnancy on the couch or bed rest.

As everyone knows, all-day morning sickness has been keeping me on my toes since December-- starting right after finals, thankfully.  It is hard enough to be nauseous and throwing up for days at a time without thinking about the fact that you're growing a tiny life force inside you.

While the sickness definitely eased off for the most part in the last week or so, here is a list of 5 things that are common culprits on pregnancy "don't" lists that really kept me sane.

I'm not advocating for going out and breaking all the rules, but remember that sometimes your well-being is negatively affected by going crazy trying to follow every rule and suggestion!!

New Year's Update: Mostly Food & What I'm Craving

Happy New Year, everyone!!! I hope you've been making the most of it so far.  I'm starting to see the light at the other end of morning sickness (fingers crossed), and wanted to give you a little update of what I've been doing!